My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
