youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
