So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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