the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
