My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
