I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
