so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
