The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
