The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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