1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I smell stomach acid.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
