WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
