So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
