so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
