so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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