Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
