I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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