I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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