how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
