the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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