Your face is a jimmy john
Your tits are I can't wait for
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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