I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
