i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
