Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
