I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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