My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
