sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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