i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
