My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My pussy is not your playground.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
