if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
