Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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