I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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