btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
