I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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