Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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