The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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