I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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