I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
