Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
