D3 body, D1 cock
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
