tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
