why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
