Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
