That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
