i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
