some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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