I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
