if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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