i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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