Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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