he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
