i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
