we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
